The Take Prodigy: Elite Takes, Terrible Picks, Good Times.

You know what this world needs more of? No, not good hearted people fighting to end world hunger. Definitely not more volunteers who work hours upon hours to benefit those less fortunate than them. 

What the world needs is more shitty content. Who wouldn't want to read another blog dedicated to some idiots awful gambling picks?

Well guess what baby: In a world of corporate stooges turned shitty content creators I am Barry Fucking Bonds. 

See I'm not like the rest of them, I'm a prodigy. A take prodigy. Good takes? Bad takes? I think you will be the judge of that. When it comes to gambling there is a method to my madness. I am a vibes guy through and through. You'll hear me say this time and time again, but NUMBERS ARE FOR NERDS! And NERDS BELONG IN LOCKERS, not NFL front offices, and definitely not dishing out gambling advice. I don't want to know DVOA, personnel groupings, depth of target, or even air yards. What I do want to know is does the starting QB have moxy? Now that's something I can sink my teeth into. Is his girlfriend hot? You best believe I'll bet on him now. There's simply too many nerds out there now flooding people minds with numbers and fake analytics. We need to bring back the gut feeling to the gambling world, and I am here to do it. 

I just want the fans out there to know this blog is inspired by my king. Without him I am nothing. He's not the Take Prodigy, but the Take God. When you're going through a restless night, waiting for the Prodigy to hand down some wisdom, just know the God is watching. We owe this blog all to him and his glory. 

Since this is my kickoff blog I guess I will explain the purpose of this fine literature, and how it is meant to be consumed. 

The Purpose:

The whole purpose of this blog is help the hard working men & women of America pass the time during the brutal work day. Going back into the office is bad enough, why not treat yourself and maybe dabble in a little gambling? Seems ethical to me. Ideally, when you're stealing company time, taking a 30-40 minute shit. Is that 24 year old Gen Z boss of yours being a corporate robot? Steal time! Fight back! The US needs to bring back reading to pass the time on the crapper, too many bad podcasts and twitter doom scrolling now a days. It's time for reading to make a comeback! 

The other purpose of this is to hand out gambling advice. Since gambling quite literally runs the world now I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring and try to cash in while the gettins good. By now you probably catch my vibe - my gambling picks are dicey. Do you ride my coattails or fade every pick? Honestly it's a win-win for me either way. Either I'm the hottest gambler alive or the greatest fade. You be the judge. 

The Layout:

During the football season I will be posting at least 2 blogs weekly. Breakroom Bets Column on Friday, covering the Prodigy Picks going into the weekend, some marquee matchups, and potentially user submitted questions (if anyone ever reads this). Read through the end of the blog to find the mailbag link and my twitter page for more elite takes!

On Tuesday I will be releasing the weekend recap covering my picks from the weekend. I will also hand out some awards, and pick the TNF game heading into the Friday blog. This is still a work in progress, so feel free to email in or reply on twitter. I will respond to any question. 

Now this seems like a sports blog, but I am man of many interests. During the Football season I will sprinkle in columns about whatever is on my mind, these takes are beholden to none. The more you read my work, the more you'll realize I love to work in pop culture into my blogs. Hopefully we make it past this one to see for yourself. 

The Preview:

Alright, enough of this foreplay. Let's talk some football. Below is The Prodigy Preview. All odds pulled from local sportsbooks. I can't name drop until they pony up and give me an ad deal. I can't believe they haven't yet. 

Division Winners

AFC East: New York Jets (+160)

Every Prodigy picks chalk at least one time in their life. This is my time. Like every red blooded American I too hate and despise the New York Football Jets. Whether it's their five o'clock shadowed, Bacon Egg and Cheese guzzling, disgusting animal fans, or that dump they call a home. There is simply nothing redeeming about the Jets. 

But that's nothing a little ayahuasca can't fix! Suddenly those animals are now majestic beasts, and that dump of a home is now a beautiful cottage overlooking the Hudson. It's quite simple when you break down the X's and O's. Rodgers has infinite swag throwing the football, if his Achilles can stay intact the whole year they'll win the division. Period.  

The rest of the division shakes out like this: Poow Wittle Tua is scawed of Bwian Fwowes because he huwt his feewings (he also asked for a jersey swap after getting his dick kicked in on national tv during a playoff game. He should've been traded for that alone.) 

The Patriots fired Bill Belichick, spent the whole offseason trashing him in multiple ways, and somehow got worse after a 4-13 season? They had the worst line in the league (Bill's fault) and spent the offseason sitting on a pile of cash (Also Bill's Fault?). And the Buffalo Bills have a Ferrari at QB surrounded by a paper straw house. Surely a big bad wolf won't come and blow the whole thing down. Also, no idea how mcdermott still has a job after the :14 second game AND the 9/11 story leaked? That was wild. 

J E T S Jets Jets Jets!

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers (+750)

Picking this division came down to the process of elimination. The Browns absolutely blow when their scumbag, sociopath, $250 million dollar QB actually plays. But they're a super bowl contender when a 38 year old with a rocket arms gets off the couch. Makes complete sense in my opinion. Can't rely on that. 

The Ravens will probably be good again but after another Lamar choke job in a big playoff game I will never pick them for anything again. Just can't do it. Call me old fashioned but I must now hold a grudge against Lamar until he wins the Super Bowl. I'm just going to say it: he's not a big game QB. Sure he can put up 50 points on the falcons but when playoffs come around he shrivels. No, no, never again. 

The Bengals have a loaded offense with a better line that last year... but Joe Burrow had the worst wrist injury known to man it seems? Doctors said he couldn't throw 3 consecutive days during camp. Call me crazy but that doesn't seem promising. In an ideal world I would pick the Bengals to win the division but I honestly don't know if Burrow is or ever will be 100%.

The Steelers have the worst QB in the division, a solid defense, and a head coach who hasn't won a playoff game in like 7 years. Guys, when a gift horse looks you in the mouth you have to take it. It's simple: of all these teams who plays "Old School Football"? I think we have our answer. Thank me in January. Also, lets not forget how close this division was last year with Kenny Pickett and Mason Rudolph running the show. It's anyones ballgame. 

That was real analytics, nothing but a hunch. 

AFC South: Tennessee Titans (+950)

One of my greatest qualities is I am a hater in its truest form. And because CJ Stroud took the league by storm, is a man of great faith, has upstanding morales, and by all means is a great guy I must hate him now. Sorry, because it's not me out there living out every kids dream of being a stud NFL QB I now hate him for it. And you should too!

Look, the sophomore slump is real. I can feel it. The Texans are a unanimous pick and that's why you must fight it.

TLaw looks like a legit bust, most likely because of his hair. Actually, definitely because of his hair. If it were curly I'd put in an MVP slip now but no one with that straight of hair can win a super bowl. The colts have a linebacker playing QB. Richardson played 4 games last year and all of the sudden he's a threat? Cmon. (also sophomore slump.)

That leads me to the Titans. Added Ridley, Pollard and Snead. Will Levis might also suck but he's a man's man gun slinger. So he might be good after all. Rocket arms run the NFL. They added the Callahans, the best damn offensive line coaching family in the history of the NFL. The Titans are the value pick here folks. The South sucks every year and changes hands.. why not a flyer at 10-1. 

AFC West: Las Vegas Raiders (+1000)

Okay fine you got me. I have a dog in this fight. I fake hate CJ Stroud but I REALLY hate Pat Mahomes. He's fucked, no way he can keep up this charade. They have more felons per capita than the Raiders contrary to popular belief. Kelce is more concerned with Eras tours than winning football games or being a good teammate. Their time is up, now you guys can't see it but I can. That's why I'm the prodigy for christ sake. The chiefs downfall is imminent. They can't outlast me. I WILL NEVER QUIT! This is the year things crumble. 

Hey remember when Sean Payton only won a superbowl because he was paying his defense to literally try and murder the opposing quarterback on the field? I remember. Remember when that was the only real successful season he's had? I remember that too. I also remember disappointing losses year after year. And after this victory lap he's taken for drafting Bo Nix I can't wait to see those smug pursed lips wiped off his face. Payton is truly and arrogant dickhead. But he rips bong so maybe he's not that bad. 

Oh yeah remember when Jim Harbaugh cheated? That certainly was a coincidence he finally took an NFL job. He surely won't try to cheat again. Lesson learned! 

Now let's talk my pick. The autumn wind. The silver and black. The greatest mystique in the history of the National Football League. Top 10 defense last year that added Christian Wilkins on D and Brock Bowers on offense. Both of their quarterbacks definitely suck but Minshew has swag. I'm confident when I say that silver and black jersey will give him powers he never knew he had. Hope he starts smoking cigs on the field like Len Dawson in the 60's. God, smoking used to be so cool (still is). 

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys (+175)

This was the hardest division to pick based solely off my despise for all the teams. Commanders are maybe scrappy, but some twig at QB ain't changing their fortune. They may have some good games, but Man Quinn is still the 28-3 coach and I can't change my opinion on him until I am way later than everyone else. Sorry but rules are rules. 

Sirianni will be fired by Week 6. That guy is a total tool, I think even Eagles fans hate him and his antics. Never seen a head coach talk shit when there is a whole half to play in the Super Bowl. Honestly now that I say it I kind of respect him. I'm changing that prediction to fired in week 13. He's just so unlikeable. It's like he thinks he's a coaching prodigy or something, ha, fucking loser. 

Giants, Daniel Jones. That's it. 

That leaves us with the Cowboys. Bad coach, mid QB (maybe), and a stud player on offense and defense. All the fixins of a 10-7 division winner. Can't wait for the NFC East to run the primetime slate every week with .500 teams battling in a 13-10 game. 

NFC North: Green Bay Packers (+200)

In true Lions fashion their reign will be short lived. Full disclosure, I love the lions. Such a fun team to root for. But sometimes you can see the writing on the wall, and coming |  | this close to a super bowl birth is enough to dethrone a division title. 

The Vikings are starting Sam Darnold, who is just west coast Daniel Jones. 

The Bears will be scrappy this year no question. Two things really halted me in my tracks when deciding on them: Eberflus isn't a football guys name, and curses are real. I think those metrics are sound enough to pick the Packers. The team that now has the highest paid QB in the league. A QB I will certainly hate in the next 3-4 months. Sometimes that green and gold can play tricks on you though, and something about that gridiron in Wisconsin has me feeling optimistic. 

NFC South: Tampa Bay Bucs (+290)

I said it earlier in this column. Does he have Moxy? No? Okay then you're out. So my logic in picking the NFC South is simple:

Baker Mayfield: Toby Keith Moxy (badass, RIP) 

Kirk Cousins: Ultimate Dad Moxy (No TV after 7pm tho)

Bryce Young: Mailman Moxy (Nice guy, kinda feel bad for him)

Derek Carr: Morgue Worker Moxy (where playoff dreams go to die)

Now those are some real analytics. Moxy wins championships. 

NFC West: LA Rams (+330)

Since when did Geno Smith become a respected vet? Am I missing something? I can't believe the way these nerds talk about him. For christ sake the guy got cold cocked by his teammate. Granted that was like 7 years ago. I just don't understand how a career backup can have 2 MID seasons and now garners all this respect? Not from me pal. 3rd place. 

Cardinals will be frisky. Probably get like 7 wins. Gannon will have them playing hard, I thought he was a doof but he's yolked up so he's kind of alpha. Good offense, okay defense, mediocre roster. 

Niners... what to do with the Niners. Super Bowl hangover? Players holding out? I think it's time we all accept that the Niners are built on a house of cards named Brock Purdy. They had all the magic on their side last year, not a single serious injury. If Purdy has to face one ounce of adversity I think that house of cards comes crashing down. 

The Rams have actual pedigree and the success to prove it. It's time for Staffords last ride. Kupp 1500 yard season. Mcvay wants to join the media (Hey Sean, the prodigy can make room for you), but can't do it without one last playoff run. This is the year for them. 

Super Bowl Matchup & Winner

KC Chiefs 34 - Detroit Lions 31

Woah, but Prodigy I thought you predicted the Chiefs demise??

Yup. Another insufferable offseason is upon us. Why even watch the season? It's rigged! The script is so obvious. The chiefs will fuck up all year, sneak into playoffs as a 6th seed, and every opposing team will shit their pants and gift them another Super Bowl birth. And who's waiting for them? The cursed Lions. What is more poetic and reflective of America than David and Goliath where Goliath rips Davids head off in front of 120 million viewers? It would be stupid, even for me, to not predict the chiefs to make the playoffs. After watching last year there is no way I can pick against them. Not because of their "greatness", because every team seems to piss down their leg when they play the Chiefs. Lamar, Josh Allen, don't matter. Some scrub will drop a touchdown or fumble an interception return and the chiefs will find themselves in the Super Bowl again.

 I can't stand Mahomes man. Please Take God, please save us from this nightmare. 

SEASON SUPERLATIVES!

Now it's time for the fun stuff. 

MVP: Matt Stafford (+3000)

It's about time we get a gunslinger back on the throne. Stafford ended the year on an absolute heater and I like the value of him being MVP. It's going to be an old QB who wills his team to a good record, so maybe a flyer on Rodgers is worth it as well. 

DPOY: Maxx Crosby (+1000)

Honestly I wouldn't even take this bet right now. The first 4 weeks is always dominated by some fake try-hard like Myles Garrett or Micah Parsons. They'll get all the buzz and slowly breakdown the rest of the year. Just wait until week 7 and grab Crosby at like +1800. Trust the prodigy. The best run DE in the league who will have 15 sacks is destined to win DPOY. 

First Coach Fired: Dennis Allen (+700)

I was going to pick Sirianni but this accolade belongs to the poor HC Derek Carr the coach killer. Dennis Allen stands no chance this year. It's year 3, time is really running out, and Carr has another new OC. We've seen this story legit 1000 times. He'll start off terrible, they'll be out of playoffs, and then Carr will go off when they're out of it. Too bad Allen doesn't have that much time. Jump on it now folks. 

Coach of The Year: Robert Saleh (+2500)

Wow I hate my own pick but I have to do it. Honestly I think Saleh is a bad coach (eye test), but honestly all he has to do is pray Rodgers is healthy and they'll win like 11 games? That should be enough because of how bad the Jets have sucked for the last decade. The math is simple Rodgers playing well + loaded defense  = 25-1 odds. I'll take that any day. Maybe MVP/COTY the parlay. Now that's juicy. 

2025 #1 Pick: Cincinatti Bengals (+13000)

It's okay, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now. Hear me out. Burrow hurts his wrist week 1. Jamarr Chase and Tee Higgins both want new deals. Odds are one or both would sit the rest of the season and preserve their future earnings. Toughest division in football. Is it likely? Not really, but it has potential, and boy do I love a big ole plus sign. 

That was a hell of a time. Those takes can take a toll on you. See you Friday for Breakroom Bets. Let's win some money in the meantime kids. Follow on twitter and email in some questions. See you Friday. 

-Prodigy 

X: @HotTakeProdigy 

Mailbag: hottakeprodigy@gmail.com